I really do feel like my efforts for the past three months have just come to a screeching halt without an outcome whatsoever. The past week has been draining and stressful and I really can’t believe I’m not getting to take the exam that I signed up for next week. I’m sad and frustrated and trying to get over it, which isn’t easy. I feel like I have given up a lot this spring, my last spring without a baby, to put my energy into studying for this exam and now I feel like it was for nothing. And I don’t feel good about it. But I am trying to move past that feeling. It’s going to be hard though. Whereas before I just couldn’t wait to get to April 15th, knowing that on that day I would at least feel a sense of load off of my shoulders and the ability to take a fresh spring breathe and move forward. Now I look at it with a bit of resentment and definitely without the ability take a fresh spring breathe. I feel like I still have a stranglehold of the exam on me, lots of knowledge running through my brain without the outlet for it I was looking for. And I was hoping to feel a sense of accomplishment and reward, getting to go on vacation after working so hard, and its definitely not that feeling that I have been awaiting.
That’s not to say that my pass of the exam would have been guaranteed, whatsoever. It’s also not to say that me passing the exam means anything to anyone. It really doesn’t. People know about the PE. People don’t know about the SE. It is one of those accomplishments that people don’t understand how much goes into it (money, time, brain power) and that it is a really, really hard exam. And it is an exam that people assume will bring you a great promotion, raise or something spectacular at the conclusion of passing it. And it doesn’t. Not at all. Our company offers the slightest bump for passing the PE and absolutely nothing for passing the SE; a much more difficult and time-consuming exam. It’s a bit ridiculous actually. What it does grant me is the freedom to design where I want and on my own if I wanted to. It also, especially being a female, would validate me as a competent Structural Engineer. There is a part of me that really doesn’t know at this time that I can gear up and take this test in the future. Mentally and emotionally it was draining on me. Plus, where will my priorities be in six months?
But I will move on eventually and need to move on and am starting to move on but I just feel like my enthusiasm and joy might take a while to catch up with this moving on. This week I attempted to put the study material down and do things to distract me.
I needed a nice date night out. And we had one at Rione XII for Seattle Restaurant Week, complete with a three course meal.
I needed to get in some exercise. And I got to cycle class on Monday and yoga class on Friday after work to calm me down from the week. A new to me yoga studio right on Lake Washington.
I needed to get some girl time in and made it to Girls Night on Wednesday for the first time in forever. I enjoyed having a meal cooked for me too beforehand at FareStart’s monthly community dinner.
I needed to volunteer and thoroughly enjoyed FareStart this week. Every week FareStart night picks me up and leaves me feeling excited for the weekend and this week was no different. The graduation was one of the most touching ones to date and left me with a tear in my eye and a different outlook on my own life and how simple my own problems are.
I needed to get a baby update, especially after my first few days this past weekend feeling like I had something really funky going on in my stomach. And we had our 2nd term ultrasound on Wednesday morning and everything looks good.
And as to what to expect this weekend? I don’t even know. I haven’t had a weekend where the main priority wasn’t studying. Obviously, I won’t be studying at all. But I am starting to set new goals and priorities for myself, with outlooks of spring and summer.